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No matter what country you are living in, the new prerequisite to being able to land a job is to do well responding to situational based interview questions. So...

....Thanks for coming in today.

Let's begin. Describe to me an outstanding shopping experience and tell me what made it outstanding?  Yes, you know…shopping.  Well, er, by outstanding I mean…amazing, exciting, incredible, that kind of thing.  I know, maybe it’s a little difficult to equate shopping for groceries with ecstacy, but think...think hard.  I see.  Nothing.  Never had any fun shopping.  Never? Nope. OK.

Ok, try this one – describe a situation you’ve had at work or school that made you angry and why did it make you angry?  Yes, er.. other than this interview.  Are you feeling angry now?  I see.  Beginning to.  Well,  um, any other time you’ve felt angry?  At your last interview.  I see.  And how did it make you angry?  Having to answer stupid questions. Yes, I see.  

​And what happened?  You ended up hurting someone.  I see.  Let’s move on.  I know, yes it was.  It was a stupid question.

How about...ah yes, describe a task at work or at school that was difficult and how did you tackle the task?  Any task.  Yes.  Go on, give it a go.  Anything.  Nothing?  Most tasks are difficult for you.  I see.  Oh, every task is difficult for you.  Talking to me is difficult.  You think you hate me.  You know you hate me.  There’s that anger thing again.  Yes, I see.  More coffee, tea, cookies? No?  Ok, let’s move on shall we?

Here we go – you’re going to like this one.  Describe the most difficult person you’ve worked with and why was he or she so difficult and how did you deal with that person?  Anyone.  Someone you’ve had problems with. Anyone. Well, I don’t know if that’s very fair.  I don’t think I’m difficult.  No, maybe these questions have been a little… a little tiresome for you – but to call me diffficult is well, very judgemental.  Yes, maybe you’re right, maybe you couldn’t give a damn.  Yeah, well maybe you should just try to answer the freakin' question.  Oh, so let me guess – the last difficult person – you dealt with him how?  You beat the crap out of him – big surprise!  And now you want to beat the snot out of me.  I see.

​You know, maybe, just maybe we’re done here.  No really, I’m not sure, quite frankly if you’re a good match for this position.  Yes, I think we are done.  Oh, I think so.  And actually, no, no I would not like my pen stuffed up my rectum. Yes, I understand you’re probably even more angry now.

​So, er, officially to close:  Thank you sir for coming in to interview.  I believe I know everything that I need to know about you and your, er, qualifications.  To summarize you, um, will not be chosen move forward in this process.  Do you have any questions?…no, no you don’t have any questions for me.  I understand.  Ummm, no, no I don’t think that’s physically possible for me to do that to myself.  Thank you, thank you anyway and goodbye.

​And sir? Sir – could I have my pen back?  

​No, no, I'm sure you’re right – you keep it.