Brit News

​Family Meeting

Your family may be with you, or far, far away.  Either way, communicating is a...process:

If we can start now please.  Thank you.  Yes, if we can start now please.  Everyone? Thank you.  No you don’t need to write that down.  That was just, you know, me getting everyone’s...well nearly everyone’s, attention. You’ve written it down already?..and you’re still writing.  Ok.  Please everyone settle down.  Let’s do the usual. First motion – that we never have these meetings again.  Put forward by…me and seconded by?  Anyone? No? Yes? Come on, just this once, please….no?  No one.  OK, motion denied, we’ll continue.

​Second motion, as always, a motion from Granddad Al to explain again why we have these meetings.  Didn’t we agree that he couldn’t come to these things?  Yes, no?  I don’t know if I can do this many more times.  Let’s recap. Granddad Al has Alhzeimers.  Why do you think we call him Al?  We all know that’s not his real name.  Um, well we do now.  Children, it’s rude to stare.  Ok  Al, I give you the same answer every week.  I said  I…GIVE…YOU…THE….SAME…ANSWER….oh you can hear me, fine.  Here’s the thing – you forget it, the answer, here, every week, yes you, you forget it, the answer, it, you, yes you, you forget it.  I’m not doing it again.  Question duly and appropriately noted (yes, two Ps Grandma).  I refer Granddad Al to last weeks minutes previously distributed.

Let’s make this one short shall we? New items: A reminder from Mum.  How can a reminder be a new item? Thought you’d mix it up a bit.  I see.  Grandma, just write it down the best you can.  I don’t know if it’s a new paragraph.  Reminder re. the toilet paper issue.  Issue, Grandma.  No there’s no ‘t’ in issue. That’s ‘cos I didn’t say tissue.  Yes, I know I could have. It’s about putting new rolls in.  The rule says: under sixes need not adhere, over sixes but under 75 must change the roll when it runs out.  Yes I know, with the exception that Granddad’s forgotten how old he is therefore he has this weeks exemption.  Everyone else, just do it please.  While on the subject, please everyone, especially children, please revisit chapter 3 – all the rules pertaining to toilet lids, yes the up-down rule and the guidance notes for 'splashing,' sub-category 'aiming and missing’ and the use of matches, fans, air fresheners and air extraction devices.  People, we are all trying to live together here, so if you’re the one of us who’s lost your sense of smell (Grandma) just play safe and light a match.  Thank you.

​Here’s a good one.  An anonymous request under the title “Getting ready to go out.”  Side note – last saturdays brawl between you kids cannot be repeated.  Yes, I know, now that you all have coats for winter, and we no longer play “Last one to get ready freezes without a jacket”, I imagine, you’re right, we won’t have punches and biting again will we?  It is healing, right?  No, I don’t think they’ll be a scar.  There’s no ‘f’ in scar grandma.  No, not even at the end.  Anyway, the proposal is that when a going out time is established, yes, that’s right – a G.O.T. – we all should infer to be ready for G.O.T. time plus thirty minutes.  Will that solve everything?  I agree.  Seconded? Thank you.  Let it be so.

​Stains.  This is an attempt to put a lot of previous rulings under one heading: Stains.  Simply put, all previous rules about tea marks on the counter, floor or teeth, crayon on the wall, cat feaces, urine and vomit, spillages in the fridge, on the carpet, on the table, rings around the bowl, the tub, dust, dirt, soil, crumbs, markers, inks, inappropriate usage of scotch tape, soap scum, toothpaste dribble, Granddads dribble, cosmetics spills, make up powder, eye shadow, too much eye shadow on grandma, paints (solvent based or other) – NEW RULE – if you make the mess, clean up the mess.  Yes again I know, before you say it. Those of us using Depends under-garments and having home help, this ruling, of course, does not apply to you, but the eight hour rule does. What’s the eight hour rule Grandma? That’s right, no sitting in your own mess for more than eight hours.

​Ok, let’s finish on the usual: Meals.  Two points for clarification.  I did some research.  Raman pot-noodles do not have the same contents as your daily vitamins.  And pig rectums are not included as a usual ingredient in hot dogs. Although we should note that the gentleman that I spoke to from the Consumers Research About Pork (C.R.A.P) organisation did stress “usual”. Ok, then.  

Next, I have the results in from two weeks ago when we tried the “Let’s not plan our meals” event.  Apparently most of you children failed to eat for 4 days straight.  Luckily your school nurse spotted Johnny eating someone else’s fingernails and wrote to me about it.  Grandma, you apparently lived on Earl Gray Tea for three days, then sucked on some lint from under the sofa which got you through the rest of the week.  Granddad - this is interesting - you apparently remembered that you were a four star chef when you were young and spent most of the week whipping up red wine sauces, blanching vegetables in a delicate lemon water and pan searing peppered grouper.  Well done.  We may well use that information later.  Mother and I, of course, ate out for the week and will publish a best eateries guide to the neighborhood soon.  All of which says that we will be returning to the drudgery of buying food and cooking again.  I will presume by your...yes, your nodding of heads, that as usual at 8:30 am, after breakfast we will plan that day's lunch and at 1:45 precisely (no that’s not a G.O.T. time) we will plan the dinner and at 6:45pm we will organize an 8:30 pm supper menu closely followed by a 9:00 pm review of the plans for the following day’s breakfast.  Sounds like a routine, people and what are routines? that’s right people, something to be enjoyed.

​Ok, let….me…check…my…notes. Yup, seems like that’s everything.  Any comments, questions, anything?, yes? no? jump in anytime, yes? no? the floors open, it’s all yours, yes? no? thoughts, any wisdom, anything, yes? no? ideas, yes? no?…OK then, let’s end with the family moto.  Say it together please:  I LOVE YOU ALL AND I”LL NEVER FORGET ANY ONE OF YOU, EXCEPT IF I END UP LIKE GRANDDAD. Thank you.  Good meeting.  Thanks for coming. I think we’re doing OK.  Ok, let’s talk about lunch....